crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
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Wikigenius
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Love this guy
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.