Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn