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Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
This made me chuckle.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
That’s what I call a flat tire
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.