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*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.