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[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
“our sushi is very fresh”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos