Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
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My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
How your email finds me
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I think this cat is broken
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke