Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
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I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.