GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
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me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.