Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
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The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Sponch
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor