Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
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My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
In case you needed to hear it:
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.