{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
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*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite