Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
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“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
These are too funny not to post 😂
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
But wait…
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
me and who
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.