A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
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Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!