Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane