Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
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Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Name another movie that mislead you?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
doing some research
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Always…
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.