The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
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Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My therapist after every session
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.