A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.