Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
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Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.