Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
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I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Waiting for the Charmin
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.