[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.