Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
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witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.