Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
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We cut our bangs at dawn.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Not messing around
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK