I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
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Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.