[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
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I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.