There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
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FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Okay
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”