it be like that
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Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
WWE is French for “yes”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
When they try to steal your moment.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements