Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
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Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.