Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
PER MY LAST EMAIL
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Thoughts
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.