SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
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[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.