I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
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Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
それは草
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open