Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
You Might Also Like
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
guys I’m going home
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.