Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
You Might Also Like
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
do what now??
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K