[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
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Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Weighing up my bread heating options
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too