“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
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Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”