why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…