They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
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I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Cannot stop laughing at this
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass