Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
doing your own taxes
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
But that’s none of my business
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I wanna be friends with this person
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”