Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
somewhere, in an alternate universe
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I need to get some bricks…
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.