coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
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At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
is it earth
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.