I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
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‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.