[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
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Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
nobody’s gonna understand
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*