The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
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Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I’d … I’d rather not.