Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
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Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!