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People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES