*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
You Might Also Like
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My Sentiments Exactly
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.