Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
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I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
me after drinking all the wine:
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?