Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
You Might Also Like
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.