I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
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I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.