I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
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The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
OKAY DAD
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Oh deer
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
THE AUDACITY. 😤
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!