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My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
How can I say no to this ?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is